Friday, February 25, 2011

I have a headache, and I'm just feeling very unmotivated. Uncertainty dominates my mind right now, indecision guiding my footsteps. I feel like Alice talking to the Cheshire cat at the crossroads.. I don't know where I want to go, but I would certainly like to get somewhere eventually. I suppose if I just keep walking, I will manage that eventually. Sometimes, I feel like quitting for awhile. Last night, I dreamed that I went on a mission to the Madrid, Spain mission, and my study abroad professor from Mexico and his family were all there. Sometimes, a mission seems like it would be an escape, an easier way to structure my time. I don't think those are the right reasons to think about a mission. I've lost sight of things like sharing the gospel...not that I don't want to help people and serve and such. I just never really think of missionary work.
Today, we had an internship fair for my program. I found out that I was basically conditionally approved to intern. I could do it, but they would want to make sure I had really good support in place and good mentors, essentially. This was kind of a blow to my confidence. I have not once felt completely certain as to what I should do, and I have gone back and forth and made up my mind on different things so many times it makes it hard to be sure. I want help and guidance. I also really want my head to stop hurting. It makes it hard to think. I am trying lately to get more on top of things. I have a terrible habit of putting everything off, and I don't want to be that way. I am trying to stop doing that. I got ahead on homework recently, and I really, really like being ahead. I hope to stay that way...not to say I am very ahead, just a bit. This entry is less abstract and stream of consciousness than my other entries of late. I felt the need to write a bit more concretely and not worry so much about writing to sound good or whatever. I don't really feel like doing much right now, but writing makes me feel better. Sometimes I have trouble talking to people about things, and writing is an easier way to express myself because I don't have to worry that I am talking too much.
I haven't gotten a letter from Adam in 3 weeks now. I am trying not to expect anything. It helps a lot if I know when the last time he sent a letter was. I don't know if he understands or appreciates what waiting for him is like. I know I don't fully understand what it's like to be on a mission. It's definitely a different life. I think the hardest thing for me about being on a mission would be not getting time for myself, or maybe never really stopping, or always having to plan around my companion, or perhaps getting rejected and having hurtful things said to me by other people. I don't know. Being on a mission is hard. I have had a few experiences that have shown me that. One was my time studying abroad in Mexico. I realized what an independent person I am, and got a little more appreciation for what it would be like to always be with a companion. Another is this semester. I have been so busy this semester, and I think it has given me a better appreciation for what it is like to have all your time structured. It makes it go by so quickly. I feel sick. Migraines suck.

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