Saturday, February 26, 2011

Life is a tale told by an idiot...full of sound and fury, and in the end signifying nothing.
I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach, and my head hurts, and I am on the verge of a mini-meltdown. I never cry, and yet there are tears in my eyes. I don't feel like I can do this. I feel so incompetent, and I don't know why I'm here. I need help. I am confused. I don't know what I want anymore or how I am feeling or what I should do, and everything just seems so hard right now. I won't grow up, I don't wanna go to school, I don't wanna have a job, I just can't do it. Why does everything have to be so hard? I hate whining and feeling this way. I hate it. I just don't feel confident. I made a decision to do an internship, but I have never been sure about that. I don't know where I should go with my life. I don't know. I feel sick, and tired and incompetent and I don't know what I want. Before, I felt so good about the idea of student teaching. It was like a giant weight off my shoulders. Then, Dr. Ashbaker made that damn comment about me interning, which I really appreciated, but I kind of let all my real reasons for deciding on student teaching in the first place go out the window. I wasn't just thinking about student teaching because I was worried about burning out. I chose student teaching because, if I student taught, I would be able to be home a lot sooner, maybe get married a lot sooner, spend time with my family, and financially, it wouldn't be bad as long as I could find some kind of work in the winter. And if all else failed, I could at least be a substitute teacher. And I wouldn't have to pay rent, and things would just be wonderful...I could take a break, which I already desperately need, and will need much more then. Oh my word, I need a break. I always feel such relief when I think about student teaching. I like this idea. It's so...easy and doable and doesn't make me feel so...bad inside. I like this idea. I like it a lot.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I have a headache, and I'm just feeling very unmotivated. Uncertainty dominates my mind right now, indecision guiding my footsteps. I feel like Alice talking to the Cheshire cat at the crossroads.. I don't know where I want to go, but I would certainly like to get somewhere eventually. I suppose if I just keep walking, I will manage that eventually. Sometimes, I feel like quitting for awhile. Last night, I dreamed that I went on a mission to the Madrid, Spain mission, and my study abroad professor from Mexico and his family were all there. Sometimes, a mission seems like it would be an escape, an easier way to structure my time. I don't think those are the right reasons to think about a mission. I've lost sight of things like sharing the gospel...not that I don't want to help people and serve and such. I just never really think of missionary work.
Today, we had an internship fair for my program. I found out that I was basically conditionally approved to intern. I could do it, but they would want to make sure I had really good support in place and good mentors, essentially. This was kind of a blow to my confidence. I have not once felt completely certain as to what I should do, and I have gone back and forth and made up my mind on different things so many times it makes it hard to be sure. I want help and guidance. I also really want my head to stop hurting. It makes it hard to think. I am trying lately to get more on top of things. I have a terrible habit of putting everything off, and I don't want to be that way. I am trying to stop doing that. I got ahead on homework recently, and I really, really like being ahead. I hope to stay that way...not to say I am very ahead, just a bit. This entry is less abstract and stream of consciousness than my other entries of late. I felt the need to write a bit more concretely and not worry so much about writing to sound good or whatever. I don't really feel like doing much right now, but writing makes me feel better. Sometimes I have trouble talking to people about things, and writing is an easier way to express myself because I don't have to worry that I am talking too much.
I haven't gotten a letter from Adam in 3 weeks now. I am trying not to expect anything. It helps a lot if I know when the last time he sent a letter was. I don't know if he understands or appreciates what waiting for him is like. I know I don't fully understand what it's like to be on a mission. It's definitely a different life. I think the hardest thing for me about being on a mission would be not getting time for myself, or maybe never really stopping, or always having to plan around my companion, or perhaps getting rejected and having hurtful things said to me by other people. I don't know. Being on a mission is hard. I have had a few experiences that have shown me that. One was my time studying abroad in Mexico. I realized what an independent person I am, and got a little more appreciation for what it would be like to always be with a companion. Another is this semester. I have been so busy this semester, and I think it has given me a better appreciation for what it is like to have all your time structured. It makes it go by so quickly. I feel sick. Migraines suck.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Emptiness. Apathy. Don't know what to do with myself, so I waste my time just to fill it. Don't feel like doing much. Blessed silence is sweet relief. Alone at last, I can peruse the inner workings of my mind for thoughts to write down. Freedom. So contrary to listening, writing, working all night. Sometimes, I just feel like writing. I need to write something, about my hectic life, how busy I've been lately, either self-inflicted or added on by others, it makes no difference. It's been fun. But I think, tomorrow, I will be better rested than I've been in a long time. Things get chaotic. Always moving, like a force of nature. What does nature do when it stops? Is that where the earlier emptiness comes from? Evenings of spending time with my computer, listening to piano men playing in bars or watching doctors and roses fly through space..such evenings are rare now, and somewhat sweeter for it. I love life lately. It has been wonderful. But soon, time for sleep. Rest. Closing my eyes and feeling the gravity sink in to relax my muscles. I've been learning a lot of things not to hope for words from you when I get home at the end of the day, and that time is really moving faster, or at least it does when you are a force of chaotic nature. When I was a little girl, time was so still, and a day so a day is nothing, a week is nothing, and a month is fast. A year is still a long time, but how long before it isn't anymore? It's already surprising. Time is a train right now...I can't believe how fast it is. How long before it becomes a plane and starts flying me to places I never thought I would go? This is life, always going forward no matter what tries to stop it. Even when it is over, it keeps going. We will never end.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Life is 10% what happens and 90% what you make of it.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I am tired. And I feel alone. I think I miss you. I don't understand how I feel right now, and it's so confusing. It's hard to not understand. I feel this emptiness and beginnings of tears that won't come. I don't know what it is. I feel kind of empty, and I want to feel more. When I do, I want it to go away again. I don't know what I want...I don't know, I don't don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just don't know. I feel kind of empty. And tired, with droopy eyes. I want to sleep...I need to sleep. I'll finish working later. Sleep. Love you.


Don't know what I want to say...But I want to say it now. I like the way I feel when I write. There's a certain sadness in me now, a certain something I can't really explain that I feel after a long conversation ends when I don't want it to. I think I could go on forever in good conversation. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world. I want to be open with you like I am with some, and to be myself, my open, forward self, and talk to you about anything and everything because I do that, and I'm just not very private that way. You are far away now. I want to remember. Remembering is the thing I think I miss the most. There are so many things to remember, like the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, or the way it feels when you hold me. I can remember your voice. But it still makes my heart pound to hear it on the other end of the line after so long, more than a year, of just hearing recordings or reading letters or writing you emails, to hear it directly and know you are there. I can't talk because my heart is blocking my throat. I need to swallow it again so I can verbalize anything. So many times, words aren't what's necessary to express things. With you, I express things through touching you, or looking at you. I know how your heart works. It's different than mine in many ways, perhaps more trusting and open, easygoing around people and childlike in the right ways. I sometimes need to take things down a notch and stop trying to do everything myself. I feel nothing so much of the time that when I feel anything strongly it is scary. My emotions are like sunlight on a cold day...They are warm but not intense. I feel things, and I feel them deeply, but I don't feel them intensely. I have shields. When they come down, it's hard to take. I don't think I could feel my family's pain. I think I am a conduit for so many because I take their pain and I find ways to make it go away whenever I can or I understand it and listen to them and know who they are inside. I can't deal with my own pain, which perhaps is why I don't have it much. I'm not built that way. It doesn't work. Regina Spektor songs are expressing my words for me. I feel this way. Words don't work, so much of the time. I can say so much with a look or a smile, or a hug or a back rub, or a gesture. I don't worry about things until they happen. I don't feel guilty about things that aren't my fault. I am different. Noone is quite like me. I have the ability to understand things that are detrimental and cause sorrow and pain. But I don't feel the pain myself, usually. Though I have. Gut-wrenching, terrifying pain that makes me feel like my heart is ripping apart inside me and ripping me apart, too, and all I want is to hold it together. My heart has not broken. It has shredded. And now it is whole, as it usually is, but I have dealt with pain. This is me. And you are not mine right now. You are His. It is ok. But I want to be His, too. I am trying and working. I don't understand hate. I can handle a lot, but I don't think I could handle pure hatred. It is not something that I can comprehend, or want to comprehend. It is hard for me to take. I need sleep. This is me baring my soul. Don't break it.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Little on Feminism, Phariseeism and Personal Decisions

I have been having a discussion with a dear friend about, essentially, feminism and some of the things that are wrong with generalizations in LDS culture. Now, I am a dedicated member of the LDS church, and I have a testimony of the foundational doctrines, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. There are definitely some serious issues. Here is part of what I sent to this friend on the subjects:

I have some things in my life that have been confirmed by personal revelation that seem to directly contradict things that are said in general conferences and by general authorities. If God wanted me to just stay home with my kids, I don't see why I couldn't have majored in something else. I feel like I should be doing something with my major, which I was guided to pretty emphatically by the spirit. I think if I weren't supposed to have a career, it wouldn't be such a big deal what I majored in. Another thing..waiting for Adam. General Authorities have said in so many cases that missionaries shouldn't have girls at home. And yet, I have had it confirmed to me on so many occasions in so many different ways that I can not doubt that I am on the right course by waiting for Adam, even if I otherwise would. So it bothers me even more whenever people criticize my choice to wait for Adam. And I hate when people imply that if things didn't work out, it would be a waste of 2 years of my life to wait. As the only thing I'm not doing that I might otherwise be doing is dating or being in a relationship with some other guy, I can only conclude that the way in which I would be wasting my time would be by not dating. I don't think that me not dating is a waste of my time. In fact, even if things worked out that Adam and I decided to go our separate ways, which I don't think they will, I would in no way consider waiting for him a waste of my time. Rather, I would consider it one of the most challenging and growth-inducing periods of my life, for various reasons, many of them directly related to my waiting for Adam. So I feel like that is a product of our culture, too. In all the wrong ways.
I don't think that being a successful career woman and being a successful, loving and nurturing mother are mutually exclusive. I also feel like when a couple decides to have children is a very personal decision between them and God. I, personally, think it is wrong to have children when you aren't prepared to take care of them. Responsible parenting also, in my opinion, involves being responsible about when you have kids. I suppose if God really wanted someone to get pregnant and they were trying not to, their birth control just wouldn't work. I, personally, am not in the habit of blaming God for everything that happens ever. I don't think that just because something happens, God is necessarily directly involved.