Saturday, February 26, 2011

I don't know what to do. I feel sick to my stomach, and my head hurts, and I am on the verge of a mini-meltdown. I never cry, and yet there are tears in my eyes. I don't feel like I can do this. I feel so incompetent, and I don't know why I'm here. I need help. I am confused. I don't know what I want anymore or how I am feeling or what I should do, and everything just seems so hard right now. I won't grow up, I don't wanna go to school, I don't wanna have a job, I just can't do it. Why does everything have to be so hard? I hate whining and feeling this way. I hate it. I just don't feel confident. I made a decision to do an internship, but I have never been sure about that. I don't know where I should go with my life. I don't know. I feel sick, and tired and incompetent and I don't know what I want. Before, I felt so good about the idea of student teaching. It was like a giant weight off my shoulders. Then, Dr. Ashbaker made that damn comment about me interning, which I really appreciated, but I kind of let all my real reasons for deciding on student teaching in the first place go out the window. I wasn't just thinking about student teaching because I was worried about burning out. I chose student teaching because, if I student taught, I would be able to be home a lot sooner, maybe get married a lot sooner, spend time with my family, and financially, it wouldn't be bad as long as I could find some kind of work in the winter. And if all else failed, I could at least be a substitute teacher. And I wouldn't have to pay rent, and things would just be wonderful...I could take a break, which I already desperately need, and will need much more then. Oh my word, I need a break. I always feel such relief when I think about student teaching. I like this idea. It's so...easy and doable and doesn't make me feel so...bad inside. I like this idea. I like it a lot.

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