I am tired. And I feel alone. I think I miss you. I don't understand how I feel right now, and it's so confusing. It's hard to not understand. I feel this emptiness and beginnings of tears that won't come. I don't know what it is. I feel kind of empty, and I want to feel more. When I do, I want it to go away again. I don't know what I want...I don't know, I don't don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just don't know. I feel kind of empty. And tired, with droopy eyes. I want to sleep...I need to sleep. I'll finish working later. Sleep. Love you.

2/20

Don't know what I want to say...But I want to say it now. I like the way I feel when I write. There's a certain sadness in me now, a certain something I can't really explain that I feel after a long conversation ends when I don't want it to. I think I could go on forever in good conversation. It's probably one of my favorite things in the world. I want to be open with you like I am with some, and to be myself, my open, forward self, and talk to you about anything and everything because I do that, and I'm just not very private that way. You are far away now. I want to remember. Remembering is the thing I think I miss the most. There are so many things to remember, like the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, or the way it feels when you hold me. I can remember your voice. But it still makes my heart pound to hear it on the other end of the line after so long, more than a year, of just hearing recordings or reading letters or writing you emails, to hear it directly and know you are there. I can't talk because my heart is blocking my throat. I need to swallow it again so I can verbalize anything. So many times, words aren't what's necessary to express things. With you, I express things through touching you, or looking at you. I know how your heart works. It's different than mine in many ways, perhaps more trusting and open, easygoing around people and childlike in the right ways. I sometimes need to take things down a notch and stop trying to do everything myself. I feel nothing so much of the time that when I feel anything strongly it is scary. My emotions are like sunlight on a cold day...They are warm but not intense. I feel things, and I feel them deeply, but I don't feel them intensely. I have shields. When they come down, it's hard to take. I don't think I could feel my family's pain. I think I am a conduit for so many because I take their pain and I find ways to make it go away whenever I can or I understand it and listen to them and know who they are inside. I can't deal with my own pain, which perhaps is why I don't have it much. I'm not built that way. It doesn't work. Regina Spektor songs are expressing my words for me. I feel this way. Words don't work, so much of the time. I can say so much with a look or a smile, or a hug or a back rub, or a gesture. I don't worry about things until they happen. I don't feel guilty about things that aren't my fault. I am different. Noone is quite like me. I have the ability to understand things that are detrimental and cause sorrow and pain. But I don't feel the pain myself, usually. Though I have. Gut-wrenching, terrifying pain that makes me feel like my heart is ripping apart inside me and ripping me apart, too, and all I want is to hold it together. My heart has not broken. It has shredded. And now it is whole, as it usually is, but I have dealt with pain. This is me. And you are not mine right now. You are His. It is ok. But I want to be His, too. I am trying and working. I don't understand hate. I can handle a lot, but I don't think I could handle pure hatred. It is not something that I can comprehend, or want to comprehend. It is hard for me to take. I need sleep. This is me baring my soul. Don't break it.

A Little on Feminism, Phariseeism and Personal Decisions

I have been having a discussion with a dear friend about, essentially, feminism and some of the things that are wrong with generalizations in LDS culture. Now, I am a dedicated member of the LDS church, and I have a testimony of the foundational doctrines, but that doesn't mean it's perfect. There are definitely some serious issues. Here is part of what I sent to this friend on the subjects:

I have some things in my life that have been confirmed by personal revelation that seem to directly contradict things that are said in general conferences and by general authorities. If God wanted me to just stay home with my kids, I don't see why I couldn't have majored in something else. I feel like I should be doing something with my major, which I was guided to pretty emphatically by the spirit. I think if I weren't supposed to have a career, it wouldn't be such a big deal what I majored in. Another thing..waiting for Adam. General Authorities have said in so many cases that missionaries shouldn't have girls at home. And yet, I have had it confirmed to me on so many occasions in so many different ways that I can not doubt that I am on the right course by waiting for Adam, even if I otherwise would. So it bothers me even more whenever people criticize my choice to wait for Adam. And I hate when people imply that if things didn't work out, it would be a waste of 2 years of my life to wait. As the only thing I'm not doing that I might otherwise be doing is dating or being in a relationship with some other guy, I can only conclude that the way in which I would be wasting my time would be by not dating. I don't think that me not dating is a waste of my time. In fact, even if things worked out that Adam and I decided to go our separate ways, which I don't think they will, I would in no way consider waiting for him a waste of my time. Rather, I would consider it one of the most challenging and growth-inducing periods of my life, for various reasons, many of them directly related to my waiting for Adam. So I feel like that is a product of our culture, too. In all the wrong ways.
I don't think that being a successful career woman and being a successful, loving and nurturing mother are mutually exclusive. I also feel like when a couple decides to have children is a very personal decision between them and God. I, personally, think it is wrong to have children when you aren't prepared to take care of them. Responsible parenting also, in my opinion, involves being responsible about when you have kids. I suppose if God really wanted someone to get pregnant and they were trying not to, their birth control just wouldn't work. I, personally, am not in the habit of blaming God for everything that happens ever. I don't think that just because something happens, God is necessarily directly involved.

Long time

I've been a slacker. I'm now back in GA and home for summer. Mexico was absolutely amazing in a lot of ways. I learned so much there, and most of it was not about Spanish, though that definitely improved. Most of what I learned was about myself. I've really been trying to work on myself lately, and I feel like I made a lot of progress while I was in Mexico...not to say I don't have a lonng way to go. It's an eternal progress, and I don't think I'll ever really completely get there in this life. But I'm making progress and setting goals, which I need to work harder to stick to.

Mexico, though...I'll try to give a summary, in a somewhat stream-of-consciousness fashion (in other words, one word summaries of things). Kissing politicians, getting popsicles in the rain, hanging out on the roof at our house, pyramid climbing, cenote swimming, long hours on buses, random surreal experience involving being in a Mexican religious parade and a traveling circus, hot and humid, baptisms at the Merida temple, mule/horse pulled trains to go to the cenotes, amazing caves, the beach at Progreso, the rain at the beach at Progreso, awesome host family, AZ roommates, making Sunday almuerzo (late lunch, biggest meal of the day), closing social, kayaking with Lauren, fun conversations with Alyssa, and now I have to go...hopefully, more later.

Merida, como te quiero!

I believe I left off the telling of my excellent adventures in Mexico with meatloaf. Tasty, tasty meatloaf. Meatloaf is one of those things that people can just bond over, no matter their culture. Anyway, so the meatloaf was good. After we ate, I slept, and then we went to FHE with our group. It was fun. We had a great lesson by Profe Hague, and then we played I've never. Oh the interesting things you learn while playing I've never...like who's been arrested, or to the tanning bed...or streaking. I won't go into any more details than that ;) It was a lot of fun. Oh, we also had a hilarious conversation about Steve, an occasional visitor to Bekah and Lauren's bathroom. Profe Hague was rather worried at first, but he eventually surmised by our giggling that he needn't be concerned, whoever this Steve character was. It was quite hilarious to those of us "in the know." Our awesome padre gave us a ride, so we didn't even have to take the bus. It was great. On Monday, Bekah and I only had 1 class, and we came back to our casa afterwards, ostensibly to work on homework. I didn't get as much done as I'd planned to. I'm pretty sure we didn't really do anything else. Tuesday was somewhat similar. I had a lovely morning. We didn't have to do anything at 7 am, so that was very nice. We didn't have class until 11:30, and we didn't have to leave until 10:30..compared to 6 am, that's so late and wonderful. While we were walking to school, some guy wolf whistled at us..but he didn't just whistle. He had these pipes, and he kind of played the wolf whistle. It was funny. Let's see...school was fine. We went back to our house afterward and again attempted to do homework. Eventually, we walked to 7-11 and back. That was about it for Tuesday. This blog entry has been relatively boring so far. It's about to get more interesting. Yesterday, we went to see La Ultima Cancion (The Last Song) with Miley Cyrus, which was a pretty good movie. When were walking home from this is when things got interesting. We were walking by 7-11 near our house, and there were a bunch of what seemed to be college aged kids rallying for a local politician, Javier. They were waving flags and giving away lots of free stuff, like bracelets, t-shirts, posters, flags, and lighters. We walked through them the first time to get home. After a while of walking towards home, we decided we needed to turn around and go back to 7-11 for Lauren to get a drink, or in other words, to get free t-shirts. So turn around we did. We went to 7-11, and Lauren did, in fact, get a drink. (Lauren is one of our roommates. She enjoys chocolate, hanging out on the beach, reading books and chilling at home, and is terrified of small fish.) We exited the 7-11 and commenced standing around outside talking about getting free Angelica merchandise. Angelica is a local politician. She's running for the office of "Presidenta Municipal" which, as far as I can tell, is the mayor of Merida. This woman has her face plastered on basically every surface of this city. She's on bus stops, buses, taxicabs, street corners (which have fence/walls around them), billboards, people's cars, and various other surfaces. She's always there, wherever we go, watching us. She's like big brother. Only female and smiling out charmingly from her many posters, banners, stickers, and other advertisements. The slogan on her posters is "Merida, como te quiero," (Merida, how I love you), hence the title of my blog entry. We all really wanted some Angelica merchandise. I've still got my heart set on a poster. So eventually, the people at the rally, who were rallying for Javier, another politician of the same party as Angelica, came and swarmed us and were trying really hard to get us to wave flags with them. It was all very exciting, but for now, this blog entry is going to have to be continued...

Happy Madre Day!

I've had a good couple of days. Yesterday, we went to Celestun. We met at a park and took the bus for about 1.5 hours or so..maybe more or less. I'm not sure. After we got there, we got to go out in boats to see the flamingos. On the way, we made a stop at a little island with a lot of crabs and tiny fish. Then we got to go see flamingos! They were so cool. I was excited to get to see them. Then we all went to swim in this gorgeously clear natural pool next to the water. It was way pretty. It looked like the okifanoke swamp or perhaps a jungle. There was a crocodile, and someone got the idea it was fake, so a couple of people in our group were starting to go in the water with it. Our professor came running up behind us saying No, no, I'm sorry! It's real! It was so funny. After that, we got back in the boats to go back to the restaurant on the beach where we met in the first place. The boat ride back was really fun! It was really wavy, and our boat was going fast and bouncing on the waves. It was so much fun! I love boats. The people in our boat were singing pretty much the entire time we were on it. It was a blast! After the boat ride back, we went to the restaurant and had delicious food (all of the food here is delicious), and some people played on the beach for a while. I didn't because I wanted to avoid the sun. Also, there was a man who looked like a biker in a speedo eating his lunch...did I mention he was wearing a speedo? It made me laugh every time I looked at him. And he was right in my line of sight, so I ended up looking at him more than I wanted to. It was really, really funny. Also, the bathroom signs. The women's bathroom sign was a pair of lips, and the men's bathroom sign was a pepper. It made me laugh a lot. Oh, and when I went to the bathroom some lady told me I had really pretty hair, essentially, but she told me first in English, and I couldn't understand her until she switched to Spanish because she had a really strong accent when she spoke English. That was pretty funny as well. And after that fun day, we headed back on the bus. When we got to the park, our mama was waiting to take us home, which we were happy about because we hadn't been expecting a ride. So we went home, and eventually went grocery shopping. Our papa gave us a ride to the grocery store and we walked back. I don't think much else happened last night, so on to this morning. We were running late for church because Bekah had an ear infection, so our papa took us to church after giving Bekah medicine for her ear, which was really nice of him. He is so cute..he's always got this little smile on his face, and he doesn't talk a whole lot, but he does talk. Anyway, church was good. In relief society, some or all of the primary kids (I'm not sure), came and gave the mamas roses and sang them a song. It was cute. I want kids one day! Not now by any means, but eventually. And then we went home and chilled a bit and I made meatloaf and homemade mashed potatoes for lunch. Everyone seemed to enjoy them, and our mama wants me to teach her how to make my meatloaf. It was fun. I love to cook. And that is all for now :)

Raspberry Red

I seem to be in a constant state of sunburn here. It's getting less painful, though. This one doesn't even really hurt. Bekah, Lauren and I went to the beach yesterday. We were going to meet up with some other people from our group, but we couldn't find them, so we just hung out with Chase and Landon, who we met up with on the bus. It was windy and wavy...pretty much perfect. Lauren and I were both wearing sunhats and outfits that made us look like tourists. We got a picture. It was pretty epic. On the way back, we went to Costco and got samples. We were going to try to get food, but we didn't find anything we wanted. Then we went back to our house and ate and such. After a while we went and got delicious palotas (amazing popsicles) with our mama, and then she bought us very good tamales that some guy was selling out of the back of his car at a gas station. It was pretty sweet. After eating the tamales, we talked with our mama about the strange things men sometimes wear. After that, when Alyssa and I came up to go to bed, we turned our air conditioning on as usual, and it was leaking. So there was a lot of ensuing drama which ended with our air not leaking anymore, so that was good. It was pretty funny. Also, we have a hammock in our room, which I would have slept in last night, but it was right under the air, and therefore uncomfortable. Such is life here in the Yukatan!